Educators — 2009
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Hot For Teacher
When Mike Hartford of Royal Oak was 16, he had a consuming crush.
“She was blond. She smelled amazing. And she wore these little glasses that made me crazy.” She also taught Hartford all about the Trail of Tears, the Civil War and the Dred Scott decision. But that was fitting. She was, after all, Hartford’s American History teacher.
“When I look back on it, she was probably only 10 years older than me,” Hartford says. “I thought she was the most amazing woman in the world. Nothing ever happened. But if she’d ever taken an interest in me, I have to admit, I would have been totally game.” Many students have had crushes on teachers at some point, and most, like Hartford’s, are innocent and unrequited. But recent headlines have been filled with stories of teachers entering sexual relationships with their teenage students, and many of these inappropriate relationships start with a school-age crush and an ethically compromised teacher.
However, if teachers handle the situation correctly and parents stress the importance of healthy relationships and boundaries with their teenage children, experts say the crush can be used as an opening to discuss relationships with their children.
Teachers from around southeast Michigan say they have seen it all – from flirting and love notes to inappropriate gifts and even phone calls at home from students. Wheatley Davis started her teaching career at an all-boy school in Detroit. Davis says dealing with student crushes isn’t something that teachers are prepped for when they are in college. It’s often about learning the school policies and handling the situation as it comes up.
Davis says if parents have open conversations with their children, teachers and parents can work together to prevent unnecessary situations.
As a young female teacher, Davis says student crushes were not uncommon, and they would either fizzle out before action was needed, or she was able to address the situation with the student in a non-threatening way.
Davis says she was able to recognize when students had crushes on her just by their actions, and she would choose how to handle it based on each situation.
“When crushes became apparent, I immediately told my supervisors. I tried to make sure someone else knew about it, knew I wasn’t OK with the student’s actions and that I was keeping track of it,” Davis says.
Mike Sudrovech is an elementary school physical education teacher in the Oxford district. Sudrovech also taught middle school and coaches high school track for boys and girls. He says teachers are placed with the responsibility, especially in high school, with documenting inappropriate situations and reporting those they feel warrant special attention. He says by handling the situation delicately, teachers and parents can help students learn more about relationships without embarrassing them or making them feel they did something wrong.
Megan Rotar, a limited license psychologist from the Mental Fitness Center in Rochester, deals with adolescent behavior and adults. She says crushes on teachers are very common.
“Teachers, to students, are almost like celebrities. Teachers are adults that are in your life every day. They are there to be supportive and help the students in learning and facilitate the students’ growth. Sometimes the teachers will fulfill a need the student has, and that can lead to a crush,” Rotar says.
“The crushes can be healthy and positive.
The early adolescent through the high school years is a really intense time. Through crushes, students might find someone who would be a good role model for them, spark an interest in learning and help the students figure out their newly-developing romantic feelings.” Rotar says parents should be mindful of a potential crush, so they can address this situation with their child and talk to their child about his or her development of romantic feelings and why a relationship with a teacher is inappropriate.
“A huge part of adolescence is learning to be dependent and having your own world. If the child comes to the parent to talk about the crush,
The parents shouldn’t minimize it. Parents should be open and take a serious approach to their feelings. This is a great way to talk about developing romantic feelings, talk about relationships and what makes a relationship healthy and parents can talk about what are appropriate relationships,” Rotar says.
Sudrovech says many students can be embarrassed by their crush. He says parents who approach the situation with their children should avoid specifics and just talk about healthy and appropriate relationships.
Davis says teachers don’t want parents to scold their kids over crushes in the classroom.
Instead, they encourage parents, especially those of teens, to have a discussion about healthy relationships.
“Parents often find the crushes adorable. When kids harmlessly smile at you and beam when they see you, it is fine. When they are trying to find out where you live, we as teachers would really like mom or dad or some parental figure to have a conversation with their child, just addressing these boundaries,” Davis says.
Most crushes can be healthy and eventually fade, but others can be dangerous for both parties. Rotar says if the crush starts to interfere with the student’s life, if it becomes obsessive, if the student has expectations that the feelings are going to be returned – or the student makes comments that make the teacher uncomfortable – the parents should address it and take steps to clarify with the student that a relationship with a teacher in inappropriate. Parents also should look for signs that the teacher has an unhealthy or inappropriate relationship with the student.
“The parents need to pay attention to your child’s stories. Do the cheerful, bubbly stories stop? Does the student avoid the teacher?
Does the student say anything about being uncomfortable?
“If there are phone calls, text messages or excessive one-on-one meetings between the students and the teacher, parents need to get involved. If parents feel uncomfortable about the child’s actions, they should meet with the teacher or a school administrator to discuss it further,” Rotar says.
To protect himself and his students, Sudrovech says he doesn’t put himself in situations where he is alone with a student.
He also communicates with the school administration and department heads to make sure that the appropriate people are aware of the situation. In addition, he makes sure that he uses district e-mail for any correspondence, so that there is an electronic copy of all communication.
“As a teacher, you can be nice, you can be polite and you can be cordial, but we don’t put out in the air the hope that we would reciprocate the student’s feelings,” Sudrovech says.
Rotar says there are things teachers can do to set the proper tone between a student and his or her teacher.
“When a teacher is young and teaching students who are 17 and 18 years old, there really isn’t much of an age difference, but teachers can help set boundaries from the beginning,” Rotar says.
First, teachers should dress appropriately.
They also should be conscious of how they touch students. Stick with hand shaking and other neutral behavior. They should check with the school about policies on meeting one-on-one with students and out-of-school contact. They should also be conscious of their actions and be careful not to flirt back. And if they are aware students have a crush on them, they should notify the school administration who, in turn, should notify the parents.
“I never had the guts to be more overt with my feelings, which is a good thing,” says Hartford of his high school history teacher.
“But today’s kids are bolder. And our culture has become so much more relaxed about these boundaries that I think more teachers respond to these crushes or start something up themselves.” Now a parent to a 13-year-old daughter, Hartford says he’ll be diligent about detecting if his daughter is swooning for one of her teachers.
“I don’t mind if she has a crush on her gym teacher or whatever,” he says. “It’s perfectly normal to have a crush on a teacher. But we just have to make sure it doesn’t go too far.”
“She was blond. She smelled amazing. And she wore these little glasses that made me crazy.” She also taught Hartford all about the Trail of Tears, the Civil War and the Dred Scott decision. But that was fitting. She was, after all, Hartford’s American History teacher.
“When I look back on it, she was probably only 10 years older than me,” Hartford says. “I thought she was the most amazing woman in the world. Nothing ever happened. But if she’d ever taken an interest in me, I have to admit, I would have been totally game.” Many students have had crushes on teachers at some point, and most, like Hartford’s, are innocent and unrequited. But recent headlines have been filled with stories of teachers entering sexual relationships with their teenage students, and many of these inappropriate relationships start with a school-age crush and an ethically compromised teacher.
However, if teachers handle the situation correctly and parents stress the importance of healthy relationships and boundaries with their teenage children, experts say the crush can be used as an opening to discuss relationships with their children.
Teachers from around southeast Michigan say they have seen it all – from flirting and love notes to inappropriate gifts and even phone calls at home from students. Wheatley Davis started her teaching career at an all-boy school in Detroit. Davis says dealing with student crushes isn’t something that teachers are prepped for when they are in college. It’s often about learning the school policies and handling the situation as it comes up.
Davis says if parents have open conversations with their children, teachers and parents can work together to prevent unnecessary situations.
As a young female teacher, Davis says student crushes were not uncommon, and they would either fizzle out before action was needed, or she was able to address the situation with the student in a non-threatening way.
Davis says she was able to recognize when students had crushes on her just by their actions, and she would choose how to handle it based on each situation.
“When crushes became apparent, I immediately told my supervisors. I tried to make sure someone else knew about it, knew I wasn’t OK with the student’s actions and that I was keeping track of it,” Davis says.
Mike Sudrovech is an elementary school physical education teacher in the Oxford district. Sudrovech also taught middle school and coaches high school track for boys and girls. He says teachers are placed with the responsibility, especially in high school, with documenting inappropriate situations and reporting those they feel warrant special attention. He says by handling the situation delicately, teachers and parents can help students learn more about relationships without embarrassing them or making them feel they did something wrong.
Megan Rotar, a limited license psychologist from the Mental Fitness Center in Rochester, deals with adolescent behavior and adults. She says crushes on teachers are very common.
“Teachers, to students, are almost like celebrities. Teachers are adults that are in your life every day. They are there to be supportive and help the students in learning and facilitate the students’ growth. Sometimes the teachers will fulfill a need the student has, and that can lead to a crush,” Rotar says.
“The crushes can be healthy and positive.
The early adolescent through the high school years is a really intense time. Through crushes, students might find someone who would be a good role model for them, spark an interest in learning and help the students figure out their newly-developing romantic feelings.” Rotar says parents should be mindful of a potential crush, so they can address this situation with their child and talk to their child about his or her development of romantic feelings and why a relationship with a teacher is inappropriate.
“A huge part of adolescence is learning to be dependent and having your own world. If the child comes to the parent to talk about the crush,
The parents shouldn’t minimize it. Parents should be open and take a serious approach to their feelings. This is a great way to talk about developing romantic feelings, talk about relationships and what makes a relationship healthy and parents can talk about what are appropriate relationships,” Rotar says.
Sudrovech says many students can be embarrassed by their crush. He says parents who approach the situation with their children should avoid specifics and just talk about healthy and appropriate relationships.
Davis says teachers don’t want parents to scold their kids over crushes in the classroom.
Instead, they encourage parents, especially those of teens, to have a discussion about healthy relationships.
“Parents often find the crushes adorable. When kids harmlessly smile at you and beam when they see you, it is fine. When they are trying to find out where you live, we as teachers would really like mom or dad or some parental figure to have a conversation with their child, just addressing these boundaries,” Davis says.
Most crushes can be healthy and eventually fade, but others can be dangerous for both parties. Rotar says if the crush starts to interfere with the student’s life, if it becomes obsessive, if the student has expectations that the feelings are going to be returned – or the student makes comments that make the teacher uncomfortable – the parents should address it and take steps to clarify with the student that a relationship with a teacher in inappropriate. Parents also should look for signs that the teacher has an unhealthy or inappropriate relationship with the student.
“The parents need to pay attention to your child’s stories. Do the cheerful, bubbly stories stop? Does the student avoid the teacher?
Does the student say anything about being uncomfortable?
“If there are phone calls, text messages or excessive one-on-one meetings between the students and the teacher, parents need to get involved. If parents feel uncomfortable about the child’s actions, they should meet with the teacher or a school administrator to discuss it further,” Rotar says.
To protect himself and his students, Sudrovech says he doesn’t put himself in situations where he is alone with a student.
He also communicates with the school administration and department heads to make sure that the appropriate people are aware of the situation. In addition, he makes sure that he uses district e-mail for any correspondence, so that there is an electronic copy of all communication.
“As a teacher, you can be nice, you can be polite and you can be cordial, but we don’t put out in the air the hope that we would reciprocate the student’s feelings,” Sudrovech says.
Rotar says there are things teachers can do to set the proper tone between a student and his or her teacher.
“When a teacher is young and teaching students who are 17 and 18 years old, there really isn’t much of an age difference, but teachers can help set boundaries from the beginning,” Rotar says.
First, teachers should dress appropriately.
They also should be conscious of how they touch students. Stick with hand shaking and other neutral behavior. They should check with the school about policies on meeting one-on-one with students and out-of-school contact. They should also be conscious of their actions and be careful not to flirt back. And if they are aware students have a crush on them, they should notify the school administration who, in turn, should notify the parents.
“I never had the guts to be more overt with my feelings, which is a good thing,” says Hartford of his high school history teacher.
“But today’s kids are bolder. And our culture has become so much more relaxed about these boundaries that I think more teachers respond to these crushes or start something up themselves.” Now a parent to a 13-year-old daughter, Hartford says he’ll be diligent about detecting if his daughter is swooning for one of her teachers.
“I don’t mind if she has a crush on her gym teacher or whatever,” he says. “It’s perfectly normal to have a crush on a teacher. But we just have to make sure it doesn’t go too far.”
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